I haven’t tumbled in a few days and with everything going to way it has been I feel it is time to let it out.

First off, things have been great with a certain boy :) It seems like lately he remembers things I say in a way he didn’t used to. I will tell him things and I few days later he’s asking me about them and it’s really nice. I really hurt myself a few days ago and he should such an interest and worry in how I was doing and that is when it all turned around and starting getting better. I see all my friends going through relationships with their guys and I see all the problems they are having and I always think to myself “Man am I glad I don’t have to go through that” but honestly I think if I were with this boy I would want to go through some of the arguments they have with him and just him. I think about past boyfriends and what I would’ve done if these problems arose with them and honestly I do not think I would have stayed together any longer with them than I did with I was actually with them. They weren’t worth it enough to me to want to be with them long enough to fight about these problems. I tease my friends when they are going through these issues and tell them I do not envy them and do not want to be with a guy to argue but honestly I do want to be with someone to argue about whether they did really want to spend time with me or not. I think it’s a stupid argument to argue over whether the other person really wanted to be with you at that time but if I had someone to have that argument with I would be happy.

Something that is bothering me about him though is he is a very athletic guy, always doing a different sport every day and always doing it well. So put two and two together athletic guy + athletics = great body. So the thing bothering me is, when we get to that point is he going to be attracted to me in that way? I do not have a great body and God knows I am not a very athletic person anymore. I used to be though, I used to play softball and cheer. Now they only thing I have is horse back riding but I am too hurt to even be able to be with my horses and ride and attempt to even lose weight because I can’t even get on them to ride them without having pains shooting up my back and down my leg. I guess this is something I need to work on though. While I want a guy to like me for who I already am and what I already look like I still wouldn’t mind a guy to actually be attracted to me for more than a pretty face. I don’t really believe that I have that great of a face but that seems to be my best feature or so some people tell me. I always hear oh you have a gorgeous or pretty face but you know they never say anything else that is gorgeous or pretty. Don’t get me wrong even though I want someone to like and be attracted to me for my body now I still really do want to be in shape. Since I have a few years to work on that I guess I better get started.

I have been working on getting my life in order. I haven’t been able to do much since I got hurt but things are slowly falling into place. I am excited about starting school and ready to be back and be organized and I am ready to actually get my life going and get myself out of stupid FCCJ and on to a good university. It sounds so shallow to say that I don’t like my school because it is a community college but seriously anybody and their mother can go to that school. I want to be at a school that I and everyone else there had to work hard to get there. I want to be at a school that I am proud to say I go to because honestly I am not proud of going to FCCJ because I know I didn’t have to work hard to get there. It is not something that I am excited to tell people because I didn’t do any work to get into that school. I didn’t even do good on my SAT’s or my ACT’s and so I have to take the CPT. SERiOUSLY?! How much lazier can I get. I knew that I wouldn’t have to do any work to get into FCCJ and so that’s why I am there. I am a lazy person and I always have been and that is why I didn’t try hard on my tests and I didn’t apply to any universities because I knew that I already had a school that would accept me no matter what. So I am ready to make something of myself and I am ready to stop pussy footing around and get my life in order.

Before I go into saying what happened this past Sunday I am going to go back a little farther and go into explaining something about my Aunt Wendy. Out of my grandmothers 3 children my mom is the only one that was not born with mental problems. My uncle has the capacity of a eleven year old. He does not think or act like an adult. He does not have any retardation problems or slow he just isn’t fully grown in his mind and has anger issues. My aunt is just like my grandmother she is schizophrenic and hears voices and is very spacey and just isn’t all there. Each year my aunt goes into the hospital when she doesn’t keep up on her medicine. She starts losing sleep and gets to the point where she doesn’t sleep at all and starts hearing things and hears “the devil” talking so her. My aunt is not possessed she just strongly believes in God so when she’s doing bad things she says its the devil. My grandmother is the same exact way and lives in a fantasy world and is mentally not there. Honestly my grandmother shouldn’t have been allowed to have children. My mom told me when she was younger my grandma burned hand in cooking grease because the “devil” told her to do it. My aunt told my cousin she was going to throw him over the Buck Men bridge or give him up for adoption because the “devil” told her to. These are the kinds of things my mom and aunt and uncle had to go through as they were younger and now my aunt goes through them with her children. My mom is and thankfully the only one that doesn’t have ANY of these problems. She occasionally gets a little depressed but that is normal. A lot of people get depressed. My aunt has three kids she is honestly living a life exactly like my grandma did with her kids. She has three kids, lets them do whatever they want, doesn’t have any money to pay the bills or buy groceries, gets money from other people, and does mentally unstable things. Well since my aunt has all these problems she doesn’t pay as good attention to her kids as most parents do. She lets my three year old cousin go in the kitchen and climb on the counters because she doesn’t watch him or tell him to stay with her in that room. Well on sunday my aunts house burnt down. How you say? Well my aunt is a smoker and she said that when she lights a cigarette she normally puts her lighter back in her pocket. This time was not the case. She said that this time she lit a cigarette and then put her lighter right next to her on the computer desk (yes, while she was on the computer) and my three year old cousin, Joseph, grabbed it and went into the living room. When he was in there he figured out how to work the lighter and decided to catch the couch on fire. My aunt being as spacey as she did tried to fan it with a towel like they do in the movies or on television and let me just tell you from experience this does not work. Yes, when I say from experience I do mean I have had a fire in my house ( I will get to that later) Seeing as fanning it only made it worse it then spread to the wall and proceeded to burn her house down. Well by the time she got everyone and the animals out and the fire fighters there to put it out it burned up her living room. kitchen- dinning room, computer room, carport, and the front bedroom. It began to melt the shower in the front bathroom from getting so hot but most of the other damage was from the soot and smoke. This has been such a crazy thing and SO annoying have to deal with. Luckily my parents were able to come home and my mom was able to get the rest of the week off and get money from my grandpa to help find my aunt something and luckily my grandpa is rich and has enough money to help her with all of this. The tuesday after this happened my three year old and fifteen year old cousins were over here swimming with my fourteen year old brother and when they all got out my brother and older cousin turned their backs for not even two seconds and Joseph was already in a bottle of bleach spilling it all over my back porch floor. My mom has been politely coming up with reasons why my aunt and three cousins can’t come live with us but I will point blank say it NO the next thing we know my cousin is going to catch MY house on fire and then I will have nothing. I know it sounds like we are not compassionate enough and you know what yes I will go ahead and say it I am a mean person and I DONT NOT want them living with us. I can’t handle it. If they come to stay here my mom better believe she better find someone to watch my brother or better yet let my aunt watch him because I am O-U-T out! I will NOT stay here any longer.

So this is what’s left of the couch and wall that caught on fire and started it all. This is why I have no compassion for them because I do not want my HOME to end up like this.